The subconscious was a strange thing. Sometimes parts of your mind could separate and become shades of their former selves. Sometimes your mind could do horrible things to itself and completely break apart. And sometimes the future could represent itself in the darkest of ways. This part of Rick’s mind was the degraded version. The version that was more like Shane then Rick would ever want to admit. The part of him that wasn’t the good guy anymore. It was the part of him that was the proverbially devil on his shoulder. The part of him that had lost everything, and in his hallucinations it had become a part of him that had a mind of it’s own. An identity of it’s own.
The dark part of him had become separated, shattering apart, and standing across from him. Invisible to everyone, but Rick himself. Watching curiously from across the field, Rick watched as he approached his wife, who abruptly disappeared. Crossing the field, Rick turned to face himself, settling his hand down on his shoulder. Cruel, blue hues turned to look at the degraded man, the man who was downcast, the man who was lost and grieving. Rick looked at himself with utter disgust.
“It’s your own fault you know. You did this. You killed her. Couldn’t man up. Couldn’t protect your son, couldn’t protect your wife. And how do you think that’s going to affect Carl? Killing his own mother, because you couldn’t be a man and do what needed to be done. If you had just put the bullet in that man when you should have, it never would have happened. She’d still be alive. Our wife’s gone. And it’s entirely your own fault.” He scoffed. It was all true. This was the part of him that was soft. The part of him that was nothing. Less than nothing. Pathetic morality wrapped into a weak man. Morals. Pfft. In this world, there was no such thing as a good man. Not if you wanted to live.
“Think about it Rick. Think about it. Your son, your 13 year old son, just took a gun to his mommy’s head. Just pulled the trigger. And it’s entirely your fault. All of this is going to falter. This prison. This safety net you have. It’s all going to end. All because of you. Because you can’t be who you need to be. Why are you still living?” The voice hissed angrily into his ear, the anger in the voice at a breaking point. Angry at himself for what he had done. For what he had allowed to happen.
“Shane was right. You can’t even protect the family you have. You think this is helping? Chasing ghosts? Lori’s gone Rick. She’s dead. You’re just drowning in the guilt. Seeing things that aren’t there. And you know why don’t you?” The voice scoffed, Rick crossed his arms, glaring at the weakened version of himself. “Because you couldn’t even tell the woman you loved more than anything that you loved her. Lori died thinking you hated her. That there was nothing left to talk about. And you have to live with that. You’ll have to wake up every morning, and live with it. Because men like you, the weak, they live forever in this world. Because they are cowards, and cowards hide behind thick prison walls. Hide behind what they think is best for them. You’re a fool Rick Jared Grimes. A fool, and you’ll die like one.”
She had slipped between his fingers, the woman he loved had turned to ash and dust, nothing more. He stared down at the spot she had been standing, he couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact she wasn’t real - God she looked so goddamn real. However, when he reached out to touch her, she never reached out back. Instead, she disappeared and became nothing but a mere hallucination. He was chasing a ghost, when he should have been inside, helping his son through his mother’s death, looking after the baby he wasn’t entirely sure he helped bring into the world. There was a reason, she had something to tell him, to guide him, she always had done.
The mans world fell apart when he heard the sound of his own voice in his ear, harsh and brutal words directed towards him. He didn’t dare look, not yet, he refused to stare into his own icy eyes. For a while, he stood, eyes shut tight, fists clenched to his sides. He was losing his mind, the world had finally defeated him and he knew that he would never find the strength to fight back. All the strength he had once had died when Lori had. Then the words began to flow, the words that ripped and tugged at his chest, at his heart. Eyes flickered open at the mention of it being his own fault, all of it.
Slowly, he turned to face the man he barely recognised, the man that was a hallucination of himself. ‘Our wife’s gone. And it’s entirely your own fault.' Tears began to well up in his eyes, he placed a hand to the bridge of his nose, attempting to force them back, to not let this ghost get the better of him. “No,” he uttered, his voice hoarse, the sound of a broken man. He refused to believe it, yet, he knew it was his fault. He knew he should have put that man down before he destroyed everything they had worked for, he knew he should have been there to support her, to hold her hand as she ascended into the after life. He knew his decisions were the reason he was here. It was his fault and there was nothing he could do about it, not anymore.
He was going to be sick, he could feel his stomach turn, the acid burn his throat. He held it back, he would not allow himself to weaken anymore than he already had. Images flashed through his mind, his son holding the pistol in his hands, aimed directly in between his mother’s eyes - the pulling of the trigger and the sound it made caused him to jump, to almost stumble and fall over. The images were on repeat, the gun, his wife, Carl. He wanted to dig into his eyes and rip them out so he would never have to see them again. Across the way, his son stood with a pistol in his hands, aiming at his father, aiming at the man that had done nothing to save his mother. The gun sounded again, this time he did fall backwards, he did collide with the floor. What a mess he was.
'Why are you living?' Why was he living? Why did he continue when all he ever did was make mistakes that cost people’s lives? So many people were dead because of him, so many people lost. He couldn’t save Shane, he couldn’t save Lori, he couldn’t save Sophia, or Dale. The list went on and on, so much so, he couldn’t actually remember everyone. Why was he living? God only knew. Knowing he hadn’t told Lori that he loved her before she died destroyed him, he could only hope she knew - no, of course, she knew. He wouldn’t let the brutal version of himself turn him into nothing, destroy him from the inside out. He would never be able to take away the love he had for Lori, and he would never allow him to think otherwise about Lori loving him. She would always love him, always had done. The walls he was supposedly hiding behind fell down around him, crushed him even. He wanted to die, he deserved to die - he was not the same man he had once been and he knew that now. All he could do was cry, and cry he did.
officernotsofriendly reblogged this from officerfriendlygrimes and added:
Rick wasn’t being harsh without reason. He just didn’t want to lose anymore of his family. He didn’t want to lose...
officerfriendlygrimes reblogged this from officernotsofriendly and added:
This was hell. He hadn’t been entirely sure about it before, but this was hell. He was trapped between eternal hell and...