Rick watched the part of himself that was faltering and falling apart. He sighed heavily, the clenched fists, the shut eyes. It was clear to him that the man before him was in denial. He could believe that his wife was walking around, though clearly dead, but the man couldn’t even open his eyes look at him. It was obvious that he was cracking before his own eyes. He didn’t say these things to hurt himself but to open his own eyes. He could not allow himself to feel emotions from the crying man. He watched him as he fell to the ground, stumbling back tumbling to the ground. Rick sighed, kneeling beside the fallen man. He reached out his hand and pulled him to his feet, dusting him off.
“Dry your tears Rick. I’m not saying this to hurt you.” He shook his head at the weakened man, blue eyes meeting blue eyes. “It’s because you need to hear it. You need to know. So it doesn’t happen again. You have to be stronger. The one thing you can do to honor Lori, is to take care of Judith, of Carl. Keep them safe above all else. She died for that little girl. And you haven’t even so much as held her Rick. Are you scared? Scared it might not be yours? That it’s Shanes?” Rick knew he had just touched a touchy subject with himself. Shane. Shane had been one of the biggest regrets. You spend your whole life with someone, thought you knew them, only for them to betray you in the worst of ways.. Rick did not feel bad for pulling that trigger. He had just wanted him dead, wanted it over.
“Don’t tell me you still feel guilty over that. Shane. Man’s supposed to be your best friend. What’s he do? Waits until your wife is vulnerable, takes advantage of her. Manipulates her when she’s at her weakest. Thinking we’re dead. Gone. You know who put that in her head don’t you? Admit it Rick. He left you there for dead. Didn’t care. He probably wanted her from the moment you both got married. Because she was unattainable.” Rick planted that seed of doubt in himself because it was necessary he had to realize Shane’s death was always inevitable. Shane had been built for this world. If Rick didn’t learn that death was necessary, that you killed or you died, or you died and you killed, he wouldn’t make it. Everything would falter.
“Go in that prison Rick. Hold your child. Take a look at her. She’s yours. If you want to know that, look at her eyes Rick. Lori and Shane both had brown. If that baby has blue eyes, like Carl, she’s yours. It shouldn’t matter though. She’s one of the last parts of Lori. Your wife died to save her. She died for that child. That’s supposed to be your hope, this prison’s hope. Act like it. Don’t let Lori’s sacrifice be in vain.” Rick had to accept what was happening. He had to. If he didn’t. There was nothing that would come from this. His wife’s death would be in vain. “That old world is gone. No more pancakes on sundays. No more picking up Carl from school. No more working the beat. It’s over. Rise to the occasion. You’re the leader. They look up to us to guide them. You have to step up to the plate Rick.” He said softly, patting the man on the back, beginning to lead him back to the prison. To face what he needed to face.
Rick needed to be strong. He needed to fix things. Before it was too late. “It might be best if you talk to Carl too. Don’t worry I’ll be there for you. Every step of the way. We’ll get through this together. I’m after all a part of you. I’m you. The part of you that sees things for what they really are. The part of you that can survive this world. You have to accept it Rick. Face it head on. Move forward. I’ll miss her too. I loved her just as much as you did. Just as much as you always will. She was our first. That sort of love doesn’t just go away. The pain doesn’t go away Rick. You just make room for it.”
As he lay on the solid ground beneath him, he realised no one could help him now. He would not be rescued from this, not this time. He had lost his mind, and he was the only one that could try and come back from it. When the hallucination of himself helped him up, he tried to push him back, tried to stop him from getting him back onto his feet. He didn’t want to stand, he didn’t want to get back up and keep going. The other version of himself had brought all his thoughts to the surface, had forced him to remember what he was constantly thinking. Deep down he knew it was all true, that he was the reason for so many things, that Lori wasn’t going to come back and that he would most probably end up surviving for a while without her.
When the ghost of himself, the part of him he kept hidden deep inside uttered those first words to him, he almost felt sick. He stared at him with eyes full of hate, finding what he had said to be cruel. Everything he had said had destroyed him, had pulled him apart - how was he not saying everything to hurt him? The mention of Shane was enough to push him over the edge - but everything he said still remained to be true. He was afraid that it was Shane’s, that he would be nursing Shane’s baby for the rest of his days. That what if she had died for that baby and it didn’t last more than five seconds? That was the thought that made him feel physically sick, that made him hate himself the most. The officer didn’t utter any words, he simply stared into the blue eyes of the other man, wanting to tear him down.
“It wasn’t like that,” he finally speaks, knowing Shane hadn’t taken advantage of his wife. It had happened, it wasn’t out of spite for Rick. Shane loved Rick, he wouldn’t have done anything to hurt him before he’d changed. “He tried. He knew what he had to do, he’s the reason my family is even alive.” He spat the words, not entirely sure why the other version of himself couldn’t understand that - weren’t they supposed to share the same mind? The same memories they shared with Shane? Before the apocalypse, Shane would have gone to the end of the world to keep him safe, he would never have stabbed him in the back. The only reason Shane turned on him was because he had a taste of the good life, of having a family that cared and he wanted what the officer had. It was betrayal, but it would never have happened if Rick hadn’t gone into a coma.
He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t force himself to walk into the place he’d named home before Lori had died. It was haunted, it was full of memories he already didn’t want to have to face. His wife’s blood stained the walls and he couldn’t bare having to look at it again. It didn’t matter if the child was his, it didn’t matter if she had his blood, he still couldn’t face the fact he had two children and no wife to help him take care of them. He couldn’t do it alone, he could barely look after Carl. He didn’t want to take the baby for granted, he wanted more than anything to hold her in his arms and take care of her, but how could he do that when he was still grieving over his wife? When he was seeing things that weren’t supposed to be there? “I can’t. I-I can’t do it,” he mumbled, burying his face in his hands. “It’s not safe. I’m not safe.”
Rick was their leader, he didn’t want to be, but he was. He made the decisions, he was the reason they had lost so many people. All the blame was on him when something went wrong because he was the one to decide it. He didn’t want to be their leader anymore. In his eyes, they were better off without him, they didn’t need him to come back inside and decide what was going to happen from then on out. His words were enough to make him tear up again, to keep his face buried in his hands. He wanted to hide, he didn’t want to show his face, not anymore.
officernotsofriendly reblogged this from officerfriendlygrimes and added:
Rick wasn’t being harsh without reason. He just didn’t want to lose anymore of his family. He didn’t want to lose...
officerfriendlygrimes reblogged this from officernotsofriendly and added:
This was hell. He hadn’t been entirely sure about it before, but this was hell. He was trapped between eternal hell and...